And I gotta admit — It is kind of funny, in a stumbling away from a train-wreck sort of way. Like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Only, hilariously enough, I am not a superhero. Though I once thought about working out with paint cans.
So Chris had some reflective thoughts on his blog, and it got me thinking. I remember exactly what life was like a year ago. All I can say is that I am ridiculously better off now. It's like sometime in late summer I finally got over that hump. Started working a good job, got my shit under control, etc. And now I'm doing exactly what I've wanted to do for a long time — make videos regularly. The fact that I laugh my ass off while editing is icing on the cake. It'll probably all end with a meteoric rise to stardom, followed by the inevitable accidental death in a tawdry Hollywood hotel with a hooker named Candi and a whole lot of crank, but I digress.
Granted, things could be better. Some parts of life are confusing right now. Plus there's the whole roof thing. They still haven't repainted the walls yet. But at least I'm in control of my own life now. There is almost zero dramatic crap now. And the little that there is is manageable.
I've made a shitload of mistakes. More than I could ever hope to enumerate, let alone make up for. But I can say that I didn't like where I was and who I was becoming last Christmas. I really think I'm exactly where I need to be right now. I'm still not totally cool with myself, but things are much better. Also, the panic attacks have been coming back a little. Which is no fun.
But the more I think about it, my life's really been out of whack for roughly 4 years. Yeah, moving here was the best thing I could have done. Sometimes when you're writing a story or editing video, you have to scrap hours- or days-worth of work and start over. You're not really starting completely over — you have your past edits/writing (even if they're now gone) to help you out. James Joyce destroyed (or tried to, anyway) “Stephen Hero” before starting over and writing “A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man”, which was by far superior (judging by what survived of Hero, in my holy opinion). And I really kind of did that when I moved up here. I was psychologically beat to hell but now I know what I want my life to be like, I know what kind of people to avoid like the plague (and this has served me well already), and I think I know how to get to where I really want to be. Maybe.
It's strange. Joyce is still my favorite literary figure. I like Finnegan's Wake. I can still quote the looping end/beginning. I identify with him (or his writing, anyway) in some ways, which is really kind of screwed up. One should try to avoid identifying with crazy-ass geniuses. One shouldn't, for example, emulate people like Hemingway or Woolf (getting an idea of what my favorite literary period is yet?). When I first started my first long-term relationship 6 (?) years ago, I stopped reading Ulysses half-way through. The bookmark is still there. I started re-reading it last night.
Anyway. Looks like we may have a Christmas skit. The premise is funny. I'm sure the finished product will be. Also, a parody and a weird commercial. Stay tuned, kiddos.|||110326564085532396|||Telephone Call, Reflections, Joyce
cczernia|||Glad I could be of assistance. Drama free (for the most part) is a good thing. Just avoid relationships and you should be set.